10 Ways To Catch A Cheating Boyfriend
Most of you will have had a bad relationship in your day.
Some of you will have had a terrible relationship. And the smallest portion of
you will have had what my friends and I call, a vortex relationship, in your time. A Vortex Relationship is the WORST KIND OF
RELATIONSHIP. It is that relationship that makes you feel bad, oh, 90% of the
time and dizzyingly, amazingly brilliant the other 10% of the time. It is like
a drug and sees you lose half your friends, betray the other half, and destroy
all your self-esteem and good clothes with waterproof mascara. I am one of the
super lucky people to have experienced this rare breed of relationship.
Of course each of these Vortex Relationships has its own
unique characteristics, like the different Real Housewives series, they are all
terrible – they are just each terrible in their own individual way. My VR had a
bit of a cheaty boyfriend who would belittle me in varying and creative ways.
For instance, I once collected him from work on a Friday (he was already drunk)
and drove him to his friend’s housewarming/pot luck dinner. He hung his head
out of the window for the whole trip, yelling at passers-by pretending that he
had an intellectual disability. We stopped to buy a dish to take – he opted for
a pre-cooked roast chicken. Upon arrival at the party he barely introduced me
to the room of people I did not know, sat at the table and ate the skin off the
chicken WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Then he told the host that I had my period and we
had to leave (I didn’t have my period by I was certainly ready to leave). Ah,
the good old days.
As the years passed I realised that this was not the
relationship of my dreams; with each subsequent lie and suspicious, drunken
return home, and so I compiled this list. It is born straight from the mind of
a very delusional, half mad, young Maz – so it does kind of reek of someone who
needs to be committed (to an asylum, not a relationship haha). In the end it
was my ticket out of that crap-box I called a love affair. So read it and use
it, read it and thank god for your wonderful partner (or lack of a terrible
one) or stop reading now and go about your life of denial, you poor sucker.
1. Cast aside any pride and/or sanity you have
left. Dispense with that shit like Pez. If you are not willing to do this, do
not read any further and do not use any of these (brilliant) tips, you are
simply not prepared to do so.
2. Have an amazing memory and be the research
king. If your memory is not amazing, keep a journal. It is hard for liars to keep track of their lies, so chances are
if you keep track of everything you find dubious you will eventually come
across mistakes and incongruences. Take note of things which seem odd and
research them later; people, places and things are so easily checked in this day
and age of social networking. Remember – a Facebook profile with loose security
settings is your best friend. Back in the day I used to ring bowling alleys and
bars and ask them to page my unfaithful other half; you kids these days have it
so easy! Also, skills gained during this research will look great on your
resume, the investigating and cataloguing I did probably add up to the equivalent
of a journalism degree with honours.
3. Do away with the illusion of trust. In
order to really get all Private Eye on someone’s ass, you have to admit that
you don’t trust them anymore, for you own sanity and also for the sake of your
investigation. Once they know that you don’t believe anything that comes out of
their mouth your Q & A sessions become a heck of a lot more fun and you can
often corner them into telling you the truth. For example: I once called Mr Pot
Luck and asked him where he was, I was told that he was at the newsagency, on
his way home. I knew he was lying. I also knew that the devil was in the
detail. I innocently asked what he was buying and was told he was purchasing
the ever engaging and thought-provoking ZOO Magazine. “What’s on page 64?” I
enquired further; I could hear his dry mouth through the phone along with some
very long “ummmm”s and “ahhhh”s. It was so easy to catch him in that lie – he
wasn’t at the newsagency, he was not buying a magazine and with three simple
questions I caught him in the lie.
4. Check their phone. People who have
nothing to hide, hide nothing. But those who have something to hide will keep
their phone away from you. This may sound like an obvious start, but here’s the
twist – check it IN FRONT OF THEM. Wait until they are playing sport and you
are watching, pretend it’s your phone in the car (if you have the same make of
phone) and check it while they’re driving or sneak it out of their hand if they
fall asleep on the couch. Maybe even connect your OWN iPhone to their computer
and download all their information onto it – get creative! This way there is no
element of surprise, and no possibility of being caught red handed, because
when you are looking at someone while checking their phone you can see them
coming. Also, be sensible with what you check – look in their notes or in their
Words With Friends chat. The key is thinking outside the box if your partner’s looking to get inside someone else’s.
5. Check their GPS. If they have a GPS in
their car check their history, see where they have been and compare this with
where they have told you they have
been. Once I came across a discrepancy between the two and drove to the address
listed in the history. It was someone’s house, so I waited outside (if you have
read my previous posts you will know that my propensity to stalk is not a recent
advent). A little old lady came out eventually and I found I had driven from
Hornsby to Forestville for no reason. I hoped.
6. Use sleepiness to your advantage. I think
this actually a legit torture technique, but whatever, desperate times… If you
feel that your partner is holding something back from you and will not share,
wait until they are sleepy. Choose the one question you want to ask, and as
they fall asleep consistently wake them up, asking repeatedly what you want to
know. Works like a charm once they are desperate enough to sleep and they will
pretty much tell you anything.
7. Bluff. Make shit up. Once I found a
foreign pair of shoes in the boot of the car. After my boyfriend tried to
convince me they were mine (hahaha, seriously) he then told me they belonged to
a friend of ours. I immediately fired back that she wore the same size shoe as
me and these were huge (and hideous). Another time when he was out of the room
I grabbed his phone and started mumbling, as he came back in I put the phone
down and pretended a girl had just called. The terrified look on his face said
it all, I nearly felt sorry for him.
8. Be a master of minute details. I called
Mr Pot Luck one morning to see where he was; supposedly he was at the beach. In
the background I could hear the distinct call of an Indian myna bird. I told
him that I had never seen a myna at the beach as they were generally urban
creatures and didn’t really have feet that were accustomed to walking on sand.
He tried to make some paedophilic, racist joke about an Indian minor.
Retrospectively, I was much too intelligent for this dude. But then again, I
stayed with him for years like a schmuck, so we were probably about even.
9. Check the car seat position. I have
ridiculously short legs, so anyone who is taller than Willow will likely have
to change the passenger seat position. The driver will never be in the
passenger seat, so this is a clever little trick if you’ve been told no one has
been in the car. If you are more of a normal sized person simply move the seat
forward before you get out. I’m a genius, I know.
10. Break into their house. Keep in mind
this fictional (ahem). Out at a friend’s party one night I was all pepped up on
vodka red bull and had a fight with good ol’ Pot Luck on the phone. He was in
the city and told me he was on the way home, but I wasn’t to see him because he
was mad at me. So I did what any sensible 19 year old would do. I ran to his
house and crawled in through his window, waiting for him in his bedroom. He did
not show up that night. I really advise against this technique of catching
someone out in a lie though. While I did trap him in an untruth, the sneaking
OUT of his house the next morning was the most awkward manoeuvre I think I have
ever pulled off.
This is all the wisdom I have to impart on this topic however;
I honestly hope none of you are ever in the position to need it. Special thanks
to my old boyfriend for the inspiration, you know who you are, I honestly
couldn’t have written it without you – feel free to tag yourself in this post J