The Cunt Manifesto
Words rule. I like to say words to people that they probably wouldn’t usually use and then see if they use them back to me, it makes me feel like I have psychic power over them. I like to make up words and try and introduce them into the lexicon of those I love, like “deciduate” and “snooch”. I also like to find words which sound insulting but aren’t really, and just say them at people to see what they do, like when I was 11 and I heard the word “ostentatious” in a tampon ad and incorrectly used it at a girl on the bus who was mean to me. I like how disgusting the word “frothing” is, and use it all the time until I hear people, who initially shuddered at it, start using it themselves, because what better word is there to describe your excitement at a beautiful Chrysanthemum than the word “frothing”? I just want to say big, new, exciting words all the time, I feel that if I have the temerity to use words like “vanguard” it gives verisimilitude to any argument I’m making and makes me look less like the dilettante that I am. And above all, I want to swear. Poo. Dick. Fuck. Cunt.
And there it is. The word that I’m not really supposed to say. The word that seems like the worst word going around. One that no “classy” gal would ever be caught saying. And lately, I’ve been wondering why it is such a terrible word. After all, it’s just the name of a lady’s bits. It’s where we do our wees and where babies go in and come out. It seems like a good and important thing. How then, has it become the absolute worst word ever? And I can hear you through my computer screen right now, clamouring to know exactly why it’s such a bad word, so you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve done the research and the conclusion I’ve come to is this: the word cunt is a good word, not a bad one, and we need to start using it more. Stop reading right now and just say it to yourself. Take a big breath and read this word out loud: CUNT.
So now that you're down with saying it, here is my Cunt Manifesto: Reasons Why Cunt Is Ok With Me (And The Times I’ve Tried Dropping It Into Conversation In Public, Just To See If I Can Make It Work)
1. Let’s Go Back In Gine: Cunt is not a new word.
The word cunt has been used in various forms for over a thousand years; the Egyptians used an iteration of the word as a synonym for “woman”, and hundreds of years later, it was used by Anglo-Saxons (the Old Norse kunta and Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte) as a simple word for the female genitalia. Chaucer used the word “queynte” in many of his more base Canterbury Tales including, in a super Trumpish way, in The Miller’s Tale,
“And prively he caughte hire by the queynte”. And let’s be honest, nothing is fancier than quoting Chaucer, so surely just that alone gives my “cunt isn’t a bad word” argument some credence. Cunt was written down for the first time in the 13th Century in the place name “Gropecunt Lane”, an alley where prostitutes solicited work. I suppose at this point, cunt definitely took a sordid turn, but by virtue of the fact it was printed in public, it obviously wasn’t nearly as hideous an utterance as we feel it is currently.
2. Vagin-NAH: Vagina is not a better alternative.
Did you know that the seemingly more appropriate word “vagina” only describes a woman’s birth canal (not the pleasure giving organs like the clitoris) and comes from the latin meaning “sheath for a sword”? Vagina as a word, literally defines a woman’s genitals in terms of a man. And no, before you ask, penis doesn’t have a similarly lady-oriented etymology, it comes from the latin word for “tail”. Rude. Score one cunt, score none vagina.
Quick disclaimer: I’m not writing this to fuck with you and have you out in the world, swearing your head off while I chuckle in the bushes at how easy it was to get you to say the word “cunt” to everyone you know, I honestly want to change how we use this little four letter word. But I wouldn't be a Maz worth her salt if I hadn't already got this positive-usage-of-cunt ball rolling for you, dear reader, so take heed of my road tests before you begin to bandy the word cunt about freely.
Cunt Road Test #1: At School
After the (mostly teenaged, tattooed) kiddos at the education institution I attend, caught themselves using the word “cunt” around me and tried to rein the inappropriate language in (as I am old and a lady) I gave them all a very impassioned speech about how good a word I believe cunt to be (see above and below 1991 words). After some joyous practice using it in reference to breakfast and cars, the teacher piped up that he felt it was demeaning to women. I asked him why that was and after much stuttering and no real reason given, he chided me for saying vagina is a word created by a man, and how did I know a woman didn’t invent the word? Mate, firstly, I never said a man invented the word. But if a woman had invented that word it would be called something along the lines of the Big Bang, in reference to it being the origin of everything and would, for sure, be capitalised.
School appropriateness rating: pick your audience, some ignorance is to be expected 4/10
3. Peenetics. It sounds naughty, but there are worse words.
There can be no denying that the word cunt is a verbal hand grenade. It is short, sharp and explosive, and this is definitely in part due to its phonetics. Like all good swear words, the word cunt begins with a harsh sound (the hard “k”), followed by a quick vowel “u”, and ending on another rather blunt sound “t”. Although, if we were to measure it up against it’s sweary equivalent “cock”, cock should come out well ahead in terms of rudeness. Firstly, cock has two incredibly hard “k” sounds, while cunt only has just one, and secondly, while they both house that quick vowel in the middle, cunt’s abrupt “t” ending is tempered by the “n” which precedes it. Meaning in all fairness, if swear words are scaled in rudeness by their sound alone, cock well and truly should come out ahead of cunt.
4. Cock-a-doodle-doo: Why are all dick words ok?
Let’s now discuss all the words that encompass the word cock and the vibe that we get from them. I would have made it all penis associated words, but that list would literally go to infinity:
Cocksman
Cocky
Cocksure
Cockup
Cockeye
Peacock
Cockamamy
Etc.
Basically all of these words have either positive associations, or are just a little bit not great. Can you imagine if someone who was arrogant was referred to as twatty? Picture a woman with huge sexual prowess being called a mingewoman, or someone who had supreme confidence being described as cuntsure. It seems laughable. In the end, the overwhelming feeling that I’m getting is that while penises are the ultimate sign of strength and power, the lady equivalent which literally produces life itself is to be seen and not heard. And again, I really can’t help but feel that the word cunt is considered specifically nasty because it’s a word which encompasses a woman’s pleasure and is therefore, like most things concerning a woman’s sexuality, considered taboo.
Cunt Road Test #2: At Work
A month or so into pondering this topic, I decided to test it out at work. Consequently, I arrived at the lunchroom with a buddy by my side, who I had fully indoctrinated into the world of the positive cunt, and proceeded to describe everything from the sun to my lunch as cunty, cuntish, and cuntalicious. And on and on I went, as I am very much wont to do. Cut to the end of the day and I was gently spoken to about appropriate language at work, I wasn’t in real trouble, just being given a heads up in case I didn’t want to become a martyr for the cunt cause should someone complain.
Work appropriateness rating: not very 2/10
5. Champions of Cunt: a powerful positive word.
It’s not all doom and gloom for the word cunt though. There are some trailblazers out there trying to make it work. Firstly, we have the Australian bogan, who uses the word consistently as a term of endearment. Often heard outside a servo in their Nike TNs, bumbags and ratties screaming “Oi Cunt!” and “He’s a sick cunt!!”, it’s just a shame that such a glorious word is only championed in Australia by a group of people broadly considered to be of questionable character, with their use of the word actually helping to further cast them into the gutter in the minds of more “classy” and educated Australians. Other positive uses of the word cunt I’ve come across in pop culture have seen those using the word harshly criticised for it. Erika Jayne, a real housewife of Beverly Hills and all around badass, rocked a gold necklace which spelt out “Cunty” in cursive, halfway through season 6 of RHOBH. The reaction from both gossip blogs and fellow housewives alike, was similarly horrified, with Kathryn Edwards telling her she was “too beautiful to use that word”. Nicki Minaj uses the term positively in Roman’s Revenge, “I’m a bad bitch, I’m a cunt” but then went on to ruin any headway she’d made by using the word negatively in repeated (deserved) attacks on Farrah Abraham (of Teen Mom fame) for being rude to her mother, and copped the ire of both Farrah and the public for being crass, with Farrah even suggesting she “go to church”.
I’d have to say the best and fairest usage internationally of the word cunt has to come from the British, who seem to pull off use of the word (generally) with aplomb. Ricky Gervais, comedian, humanitarian and all around good guy has definitely been a flag bearer for all the swearers out there, using the term constantly in a joyful, positive way as a term of endearment “You should never use the word cunt to anyone. Unless they are a mate. Or a right cunt.”
Cunt Road Test #3: Talking To Strangers
Inspired by a visit to MONA in Tassie and seeing the wall of cunts, I boldly (and rather drunkenly) proselytized to a long haired Victorian man at a bar about cunts for half an hour, like a modern day Joan of Arc. He was engrossed in what I had to say and I honestly believe there is a now a dude getting around Melbourne, singing the praises of Melbourne’s coffee as “a cunt of a brew” and yelling at chodes in traffic to watch where they’re driving.
Stranger appropriateness rating: 9/10 the potential for embarrassment and/or a good telling off is minor (especially if alcohol has been consumed) the only downside being never getting to see the potential fruits of your labour if you convince them to run with the cunt baton.
Solving the Cuntnumdrum
So now that we acknowledge that it's really quite a fab word and not nasty at all, what are we to do about it? Personally, I think it's time for a cunt revolution. What I propose we do is flip this powerful, pleasure-giving word into a positive expression and use a sad, pathetic word in its place as a negative. Why not try describing a beautiful sunrise as cuntish? Or a great meal as cunt-tastic. And instead of calling the person who cut you off in traffic or refused to serve you coffee at 8am on a saturday morning because it was “too early”, a cunt, call them a chode. Chode of course, being slang for a penis which is wider than it is long, the complete opposite of a cunt, it gives women no pleasure and therefore should be similarly stigmatised.
In the end, I can’t help feeling that a word, as powerful in sound, definition and symbolism as cunt, should be used expansively and ebulliently. And even if I haven’t convinced you, it would be wonderful to live in a world where people questioned the things that they said. So on that note, I’ll see all you cunts around!
References
Books
Muscio, I. 2002, Cunt: A Declaration of Independence. Seal Press. USA
Websites
https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/30lyab/ricky_gervais_explains_why_cunt_is_a_term_of/
https://babe.net/2016/07/01/people-offended-word-cunt-psychologist-explains-4332
https://jezebel.com/300003/why-is-the-word-cunt-still-such-a-big-deal
http://theplaidzebra.com/in-defence-of-the-word-cunt/
http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/laurie-penny/2011/02/sexual-power-word-cunt-hint