Shame-ish and Maz's Modus Operandi

I had my two year workiversary recently. I didn’t realise it was such a big deal until THREE people liked it on Linkedin. I may not know much about social media, but I know that if you get Linkedin likes from people in your professional network, that’s pretty fancy and you are for sure a big wig now. Once I got over the thrill of new Linkedin notifications, I began thinking about the last two years and what they had given me; patience, knowledge of, and a cause to use, the word “garnered”, impeccable email etiquette, and of course getting to hear the question “what famous people have you met?” one thousand times.

 

This is by far the most common question I get asked about working in television. And the answer to it is that if you don’t work in production or publicity, you’re really not going to meet any famous people. While television marketing sounds like it’s all cocktail parties and schmoozing with celebs it very rarely involves hanging out with anyone vaguely famous. Although, that being said, my first week in television definitely didn’t prepare me for this reality.

 

Sitting at my desk, brand new and with no idea what I was doing, I was still at that moment in a new job where you reeeeeeeeeeally take your time doing things and stare intently at your screen to appear super focussed and busy when, in fact, you have no idea what you’re doing yet. I was doing this dance of incompetence when Hamish and Andy walked into my office and right past my desk. Andy looked me straight in the eye and, as my first instinct is always to act like a huge weirdy, I threw my head back in an upwards, gangsta-reminiscent nod and addressed him,

 

“’Sup?”

 

Cool points + one million. 

"Uh, hi" he responded, and walked straight past. I had just enough time to text Nick and tell him that I’d had my first celebrity sighting, when the dynamic duo emerged from their very brief meeting and left the office. 

“Interesting, ” I thought “Andy was not as dreamy as he seems on the tele.” I turned to the person next to me and articulated this thought loudly,

 

“Andy really isn't that good looking in life. He’s punching way above his weight with Megan Gale. I would definitely NOT sleep with him, ew!"

 

Then we went back to work. A minute or so later, thirsty, I got up from my chair and walked the three meters to the tiny kitchenette that was just outside the doorway through which Hamish and Andy had just left. And of course, Hamish and Andy were standing in the kitchenette having a hushed conversation. I looked startled, turned red, pivoted on the spot and returned to my desk. They were, without a doubt, within hearing distance of what I had just said. Mortified, I sat at my desk with my head down, unable to muster the energy to lift my eyes and continue to pretend to work. Eventually nature called again and I had to venture out of the office to the bathroom, passing the kitchen on my way. I glanced in and they were gone. Relieved, I continued to the toilet and shut the door behind me. The prolonged shame session at my desk had left me in relatively desperate need of a pee, and this bathroom was one of those echoey kinds that lets everyone outside hear any little noise you make, but I figured I may explode if I did anything other than open the floodgates, so I just let go and let God. It was at this point, of loud volume and no stemming the flow, that I heard people congregating outside the door in the hallway. Knowing full well that they were all hearing me pee louder than I had ever peed before I tried to quiet it down, but to no avail, I had waited far too long and just had to let things noisily run their course.

 

I washed my hands and left the bathroom. And, of course, upon opening the door, came face to face with Hamish and Andy again. I had to push through them to walk back up the hallway and return to my desk, where I could spend the rest of the afternoon pondering the fact that in the space of half an hour Andy Lee had heard me claim cockily that I'd never sleep with him and then had listened to the loudest wee I'd ever done.