It's A Nice Day For A Trite Wedding.

While I was engaged I realised one thing about weddings and that is that they are like ice sculptures – you decide what you want by first deciding which parts you don’t want. So I wrote this list, and from it the icy swan that was my wedding emerged.

I got engaged recently and have been feeling guilty about it ever since. Not because I don’t want to marry my wonderful partner, but because I’m not crapping my pants with all the tacky bullshit that seems to go along with being “the bride”. Rewind ten years and I’m pretty sure you would find me sitting in the textiles room of my high school, sketching some god-awful asymmetric wedding dress, one really long sleeve encrusted with diamantes with a train that goes on for miles. Tell fourteen year old Maz to plan her wedding and I’m pretty sure it would be everything that everyone seems to expect of me to plan now, when I am a fully grown adult. In the days of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter it is all too easy to take a little peak inside what is the norm for weddings these days from the proposal, to the planning, to the events leading up to the big day, to the day itself. Being an insanely judgmental voyeur, I gobble up these Facebook statuses, tweets and photos like the most delicious of overpriced wedding cocktail hour canapés.  So please, all narcissistic brides and grooms, don’t stop updating on my account as you have enabled me to create my own list of nuptial no-nos. 

The F-word. Not fuck because I can, and do, say that all day long (fuck fuck fuck) but I abhor the word fiancé. I don’t know what it is about it, but I cannot bring myself to say the word “fiancé” seriously. It may well be that every time it comes out of my mouth I hear that heinous party guest from Seinfeld loudly proclaim “has anyone seen my fiancé? I’ve lost my fiancé!” but I suppose I also feel a little like I’m prompting people to ask me about my wedding, it just seems a little attention-seeky. Your friends and family know who you are marrying so you really just use your betrothed’s name when speaking to them. Logically it then follows that you are only saying the f-word to people who don’t know you well enough to know your personal situation and hence are pretty much, in one word, trying to validate yourself to strangers by telling them that someone wants to marry you. Furthermore, you are asking people to enquire about a very personal part of your life. I am however, a fan of the word “partner”, a little because they are your buddy in everything you do, but mostly because I like it when strangers are unsure about my sexuality. It’s good to keep the people guessing, it creates a mystique. Honestly, the main reason I’m excited to be married is so that this can stop being an issue for me and I can just say the word “husband”.

Your Special Day. If there were ever a vomit-inducing expression it’s this. I read an article by a wedding planner once claiming that each wedding is pretty much the same as the next; never a truer word was spoken (unless you are one of those people who gets married at the bottom of the ocean or via Skype or at Woolworths, but if this is the case that is a whole other kettle of fish). I know that it is special, it really is, but when people say “special day” to me it makes me think of a health teacher telling me about my first period. To be honest most people in their lives will get married (at least once) and it will inevitably involve a dress, a bride, a groom and signing some document. Sure there are variations on this theme but in the end I’m pretty sure they’re all about as different two pelicans, I mean, they are obviously different animals with different personalities and different life goals and such but in the end they are all the same species.

Engagement shoots. A pre-wedding photo shoot, often abbreviated to “E-shoot” (like they are so ensconced in wedding culture and are so often mentioned that people feel the need to abbreviate it and save themselves all the time they are wasting on those two extra syllables, god help us if this is true). I understand a wedding photo shoot, of course you want photos of the day you get married, but I am flabbergasted that someone would want photos that mark an occasion but in no way indicate what that occasion is. Last I checked denim and matching white tees don’t scream “wedding”. Although this may be an urban wedding myth, I have even heard accounts of photos taken from and “e-shoot” being blown up to life size and flanking the entrance to the reception.

Chair covers. When people cover things I automatically assume they have something to hide. Are the chairs you have chosen so dirty or mismatched that you have to cover them? A chair covered in one of those stretchy chair seat covers and then tied with a ribbon looks like some weird chair shaped gift. Do people ever take them home thinking that they are some sort of wedding-party-favour type thing? I just don’t actually understand what the point is.

Strange wedding day theatrics. From Facebook stalking and talking to friends who are no longer able to breathe with laughter I have compiled the following list of ridiculous shit I have seen and heard people do at their weddings. Obviously, the aforementioned life sized cut outs warrant an honourable mention. So, in order of silliness: the bride and groom’s arrival preceded by the pageboy and flower girl in a miniature jeep. Fireworks surrounding the bride and groom during their first dance. Bridesmaids in matching jewel tone dresses with diamante straps. An entirely aesthetic tepee being erected near the wedding site to “look good in photographs”. Bridesmaids in matching fuchsia strapless dresses. Candy buffets for the guests (what are you, five?!). Bridesmaids in matching peach asymmetric shoulder dresses. Having a novelty first dance. Having multiple dresses or weddings (other than for religious purposes.) Bridesmaids.

Wedding photography. A completely understanding component of a wedding however, I could do without photos of: the bride and groom kissing, the bride lying across the laps of the groomsmen or any photo where the groom’s jacket is slung casually over one shoulder. The other photographic component which cannot be ignored is the video montage. I was offered, for my wedding, a compilation of photos and images of my partner and I which would be played to the moving strains of Greenday’s Time of Your Life. “All we need is some footage of you two walking in the park holding hands and kissing” I was told, the disgust on my face was registered and I was hastily reassured not to worry, that “it will be classy – we’ll make it sepia” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just give me a second, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

Ok. I’m alright now. No, just… no.

 

To conclude, please don’t take offence to this. Not that I particularly care for your feelings, but if you did take offence and have tasteful, elegant weddings then I would have nothing to make fun of and my life would be slightly less delightful.

 

Amendment: I have been informed that the aesthetic teepee mentioned in this post is not purely for visuals but can actually be SLEPT IN! Quickest marriage to consummation ever? I sure hope so!